Seafood Ramen

Transit Dialog has published my essay, Seafood Ramen, which is a tribute to my late father. Here it is:

"𝘐 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘴."

𝗦𝗲𝗮𝗳𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗥𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗻

𝘉𝘺 𝘚𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘢 𝘎𝘢𝘪𝘭 𝘓𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘴

My late father was a healthy eater, but he had one weakness: instant seafood ramen.

He did not smoke, he did not drink, but he loved his seafood ramen. It was quick, cheap, and delicious.

I never ate seafood ramen with him because I was never fond of the stuff. I was not even a fan of actual seafood. But somehow, his death changed me. But it did not happen in an instant.

I remember being unable to eat oatmeal for two years after his passing because that was his breakfast staple. And then, one fine pandemic day, I realized that I missed oatmeal. So, I went to the supermarket, bought a bag of instant oatmeal, and made myself a comforting cup of oatmeal once I got home.

It really was comforting. It felt like a hug. It felt like healing.

The oatmeal experience made me realize that perhaps, I am ready for the ultimate experience: instant seafood ramen.

One day, I trekked to the supermarket to buy a pack of instant seafood ramen. Since it was my father’s favorite, I took my time making it. I just left the bowl of very hot noodle soup for a few minutes as I collected my thoughts. I brewed myself a cup of coffee, since I drink coffee with every meal (just like my father did). When I was ready, I mixed the seasoning with the soup. And that was when it hit me.

My father enjoyed instant seafood ramen not because it reminded him of the actual seafood that he enjoyed during special occasions. Rather, because it was simply delicious. And for the first time ever, I actually liked it.

From then on, I would enjoy a bowl of instant seafood ramen. Due to health reasons, I would limit myself to having only one bowl a week. And yet, that would already stir memories of my dad. I would ask myself questions, which I would never be able to answer.

Is there instant ramen in heaven? Is it okay to eat instant ramen every day in heaven without getting sick? Does my father know that I eat his favorite cheap thrill because it makes me happy now? Will he like the books that I wrote? What will he say about my recently greenlit books for international publishing? Does he know that I reserve my weekly instant seafood ramen as a reward after acing a writing task? Does he know that I still write every day because it makes me feel like I am talking to someone who will listen?

What can he say about my partner, who also edited some of my books? What will he say about my partner’s seafood allergy? What will he say about my lifelong Ikea meatballs obsession? What will he say about my realization that grief is a lifelong process, but bouncing back takes time?

What will he say if I tell him that enjoying instant seafood ramen made me realize that I am finally okay? I have never forgotten him, and I never will.

I now get why people honor their dead loved ones by enjoying their favorites. I may never have another conversation with my father, and I no longer need his approval. But somehow, I know that I will be alright.

I know that real rewards are not earned in an instant. I know that real flavors are meant to be savored. I know that the people and things that make us feel warm are the ones that bring out the best in us.

I know that life has no powdered seasoning to spice it up, so I need to keep it interesting to make the journey worthwhile.

I know now that in heaven, my father can have all the instant seafood ramen that he wants.

𝘚𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘢 𝘎𝘢𝘪𝘭 𝘉. 𝘓𝘶𝘤𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘦𝘣𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘦, 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘴𝘢𝘮.𝘤𝘰𝘮, 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘔𝘢𝘺 2017. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴, 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘦𝘣𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘦. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘶𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴, 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴, 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘰𝘤𝘢𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱𝘴. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘈𝘉 𝘏𝘶𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘥𝘶𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘜𝘈&𝘗.

Source: Transit Dialog